Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Awakening

While I don't think I'm freaking Buddha by any stretch of the imagination (observe my inability not to engage in argument), I've recently had an "awakening" of sorts.

I don't know exactly when it happened. I was in this big ole non-writing slump. I could call it writer's block, but I don't believe in writer's block unless you lose a hand or something. You can write...it just might be crappy. The universe never promised more.

But I started writing again. It started with fanfic. Yeah, I know, go ahead, mock. But it got me going again. Then I was looking at my other novels and planning to edit one of them, and then Nano was here. And out of nowhere I got this great idea for a novel, so I had something for nano.

Then I actually overachieved for nano...93,000 words in 29 days bitches! Then I got ready to start revising and there was this novel_in_90 comm and I'm like KICKASS. So I'm just rolling along.

At some point in all this, I woke up one day and it just struck me, "This is it, this is what I want." I mean yeah, I've always thought this in the back of my head...probably since I was about eleven. It was just always a "pipe-dream" like a nice thought but not realistic. Suddenly I'm like "Why the fuck not?" If the mystical "They" can do it, I can do it. Hell, my mama didn't say: "You can be anything you want to be" for me to waste it on a "safe and sure" goal.

It's just...until that moment of clarity I was floundering trying to develop "other goals." Sure I've gotten passionate about other things. Other ideas, other businesses, etc. But nothing has been a constant companion in the same way that writing has been. So suddenly I'm more serious.

I don't know if I'm getting to an age where I'm just ready to buckle down or what. Maybe it's not an age thing. I'm just ready to be completely fucking honest. I want to write. Desperately. That's what I want to do, it's who I want to be. This is me.

In all my permutations, nothing has screamed more loudly than the writing thing. I just woke up one day and I "wanted it more." I started getting in gear, setting deadlines, KEEPING deadlines (that's a big deal cause I used to set goals and deadlines and not finish them.) The earth just shifted on it's axis and I was like: "Oh crap, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I better get busy."

When did you wake up?

8 comments:

Michelle said...

LOL, go over and read my blog on MM, and tell me the universe isn't sending a message. LOLOLOL.

Zoe Winters said...

Serendipity. ;)

spyscribbler said...

"93,000 words in 29 days"

Holy shit, girl, that's awesome!! Was that fun or what?? I'm in awe! I want to do that someday!

Waking up was a gradual process for me, I think. I can't think when it was.

Zoe Winters said...

Yes Spy, I kick ass. You may worship me now. ;)

Liz Kreger said...

I can do 93,000 ... in my dreams! LOL. Way to go, Zoe. I agree with Michelle ... you two were reading each other's minds when you decided your subject matter for your blog.

Nice that you already discovered what you want to do when you grow up. Took me far too long to figure it out.

Zoe Winters said...

hehehe Liz. Nano was a big eye opener for me. There was a time when I believed I couldn't write more than a thousand words in a day. And I insisted it was true. After that I was "tapped out" but I guess since I was in a smaller Nano comm on LJ and I'm pretty competitive (though not in an evil way), it just pushed me.

There was this one kickass chick who was turning out 10,000 word days and she just motivated the hell out of me. This chick is like my yoda. heh. It was definitely exciting to do it.

Edie said...

Wow, Zoe, you rock! That's awesome! I'm doing Nano next November for sure.

Zoe Winters said...

:blush:

Thanks! Yeah nano is awesome. There is just something really cool about "co-suffering" with tens of thousands of other writers. :) There's a kind of universal synergy there. :)